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Animal Crossing Story

Kind of cheesy at first?  Yeah, but really very touching :(

It's not quite as finalized or past-tense as the title suggests, actually.

I really ought to be working on my paper right now, but I felt compelled to write this right now.  It sucks not knowing what you want to do, ya know?  Yes yes, I'm sure everyone knows.  But you know what I've found to be even suckier?  Not wanting to do anything.  Quite honestly, there are some times when I don't want to do anything at all.  Hey, work fast food and play video games, what's wrong with that?  No no no, that's horrible.  I mean it, nobody should be ok with that - I've seen what it turns people into.  Anyway, to digress, I really get the feeling like I shouldn't even be here at school sometimes.  Why?  Because I don't want to do anything!  I've never had any great loves in my life aside from finishing school to get back to whichever game I was committed to at the time - and that's what I've carried over to college (yech! indeed).

What can a guy do though?  Can I force myself to love things?  I've tried trying out different things to see if I could get into them, but there's just never any spark there.  My heart is never in it :<  So that's it then: I'm an ambitionless, loveless, amoeba.  Not exciting.  Not one bit.  But, but but but, after this formless existence I've come to just one conclusion.  I can't live out my non-existent ambitions (well duh, you say).  Well, if I can't have my own ambitions - I've concluded - then I'll have to find ambitions from Someone else.  Yeah, dead giveaway there.  I thought: maybe Christ can live his ambitions out through me.  Perhaps I've been living too much for mememe, and God was gracious enough to make mememe not something I could really, truly live for.  So I've resolved that I can't be ambitious for anything, even for being a good Christian.  But perhaps if I open myself to Christ's living out his ambitiouns through me, then maybe I'll find some loves in my life.  Yeah, it's a work in progress still, but I know that if I leave myself open to Him then it will mean a change in attitude and living.  Not my change, but His change, and a change ;O

Well I was overjoyed today to find out that I'm not in as bad a position academically as I thought I was :)  Of course, I still consider my position in other areas of life to be really really stinking inadequate...but I've decided to not focus on myself and my worrying, give it up to God, and let him work through my inadequacies.  That's one of the recurring principles of the Bible, right?  God revealing his power through weakness?

But there's still a lot of cleaning up to do for spring.  I need to start forcing myself to take devotional time every day, refine my study habits, order out my lifestyle, and hone my skills to be harder-faster-stronger-better.  I need to start showing love to people, and catching my arrogance.  Gee, it seems like I could spend an eternity...and it'd be an eternity well spent.

So if you feel so led to pray for me, pray that I will live as unto God.  And that He'll show me what direction to take this silly life of mine.  That's pretty much it.

I read recently that if you want to be a writer you have to love sentences.  That kind of struck me, because I don't love sentences very much and yet I do want to be a writer.  Writing sentences is to me about as fun as re-wallpapering, or grouting the bathroom tile.  Each sentence just sort of...plops out there, with all kinds of gunk and things in it.  Then, if I want to make the whole surface look good I have to get down on my hands and knees with a toothbrush and scrub until my eyes bleed - that pretty much sums up every term paper that I write. 

If only sentences were more like happy little elves, appearing magically to dance with one another across the paragraph while singing a catchy little tune.  But no - they have to be these ugly little buggers that bite incessantly like a plague of gnats, with about as much charm as a dirty diaper.  Sometimes I just want to squash them, or throwing them out before they stink up the paper.  Then there are sentences like the one now, where it just keeps evading me and I can't seem to catch it or pin it down, sometimes taking me on a wild chase for ten, twenty, or thirty minutes!  I do hate those sentences, as they waste so much of my paper writing time.  So yes, we've got sentences in all shapes and forms.  Fat sentences, skinny sentences, flat-sentences and segmented-sentences.  Sometimes they smile at you, sometimes they frown at you, sometimes they even bite.  And I've found that if I feed a sentence too much, then it won't stop hounding me for more and more food!  So there I am, trying to divide my attention equally between them so that each one gets the proper care it needs, and this gluttonous sentence keeps tugging at my mind. 

But there are also beautiful sentences!  I do like those.  There are fluffy little sentences.  Obtuse sentences.  Perhaps a few sentences don't exactly know for certain the vagueries of what they wish they meant to say.  Sentences I can't think of.  Sentences about sentences.  Sentences that have spirit!  Sentences that don't know where they're going...  That don't know what they're referring to.  Sentences that mock.  That laugh.  That praise.  Sentences that are dead from abuse.  Sentences to express.  Sentences to condemn.  Sentences to condemn the condeming sentences.  Sentences to question.  Sentences for the sake of having more sentences in a list of sentences.  Sentences to plead.  Sentences to explain.  Sentences to declare a dislike for sentences.  Sentences to change a life forever.  Stupid sentences.  Lying sentences and true sentences and sentences which just don't care.  Sentences to make us not care.  Sentences which you will never get far enough down to read.  Scary sentences.  Boastful sentences.  Sentences to wonder whoever came up with sentences anyway!  Sentences to come at the end.  Sentences to go against what the previous sentence implied.  Sentences to amuse.  Sentences that maybe fail at amusing.  Sentences that define.  Sentences to define other sentences as undefinable.  Sentences to waste time reading.  Sentences to waste your time re-reading.  Unfinished sent-

And so on and so forth.  When a near infinite number of sentences, covering the entire expanse of existence, which one is the right sentence?  How do we know?  What if we chose the sentence not chosen - how many sentences are not chosen?  Why can I only have just this one sentence, and not the other million at the same time too?!  It's such a tragedy that to choose this dear sentence, I must bury the millions of others.  I guess that's what I don't like sentences: the bad ones always make themselves the most apparent, tricking me into burying the other thousands of better sentences which I blindly massacre, only seeing them once the murderous act has already been committed. 

So I don't know.  I might actually like sentences!  I suppose I like the good ones and hate the bad ones - I just keep finding bad ones.  Maybe being a writer is like being a surgeon, or a philanthropist, or a lawyer.  A writer has to cut open the sentence, reform the sentence with generosity, or win the sentence over by persuasive arguments.

-ences which finally get finished, in turn finishing a post.